The Truth About Kenneth Page

There are a lot of rumors going around about that infamous Kenneth Page MySpace picture. You know, the one where he's holding about $10,000 cash. Or it looks like he's holding $10,000 cash.

The Fake

Well, in this day and age of PhotoShop, you can't trust everything you see. And now the truth has come out...

The Original

Shame on YOU, internet, for besmirching the reputation of a fine young man. And an animal lover, at that.

Tense Bowden hostage situation nears resolution

"Give me more money or the coach gets it!"

Looks like the treading-water will continue at Clemson. Rumors abound that Tommy is about to ink a lucrative ($2.2 million!!!) contract to stay in Tigertown. If this is true, Bowden will have orchestrated one of the most blatant — and befuddling — cash-grabs this side of Sabanation. Arkansas got played and this "good Christian man" straight-up robbed the Clemson piggy bank.

What exactly is Clemson paying for? Tiger fans go on endlessly about "demanding excellence" and "producing championships." Yet, in nine years, Tommy Bowden has delivered nothing.

Except one thing.

Beating South Carolina.

For all their talk of belonging in the football elite and demanding more than 8-win seasons, this last-ditch attempt at luring Tommy back only proves one thing...all he has to do is beat South Carolina. Lose to Wake? Fire Tommy! Beat USC? Contract extension! Lose to Duke? Fire Tommy! Beat USC? Contract extension! Get reamed at home by Virginia Tech? Fire Tommy! Beat USC? Contract extension!

Go ahead and keep talking about championships, Clemson fans. But as long as you keep paying this man more and more for only beating South Carolina, you're revealing your true aspirations and rewarding a man for nothing more than mediocrity.

Is Tommy ready to end this abusive relationship?

Leave? Me? Noooooo...you guys have treated me so well!

As of 12:46am, the Tommy Bowden to Arkansas rumors are really starting to pick up steam. Why? I can't even begin to figure out why this makes sense for either party. But wouldn't it be hilarious...after nine years of not winning the ACC championship, not winning the little games, and just not being Danny Ford...Tommy might bolt town? And just when Tiger fans were starting to warm up to him.

Judging by these responses on HawgSports.com, Tommy might be heading into a grumpy shitstorm of malcontents just like the one he left. Some choice comments:

"I think we just traded in a 1998 Ford Taurus for a 1999 Ford Taurus with similar miles. And we lost our ass in the process! What was the point?"

"FIRE BOWDEN...I would rather take my chances with Gus...FRACKING, MUTHER FRACKERS!!! Screw the UA and their athletic program!!!"

"Houston, we love you....come back to us."

"Bowden hire not what the fan base needs...not what the school needs, not a commitment to improving the football program IMO. WTF is going on up there?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"If we got rid of Nutt for Bowden...we took a step backwards"

"Bowden has only proven he is capable of medicority in the ACC."

"We know what Tommy Bowden can do and he could not carry Houston's jock strap."

"The destruction of the program is complete....unbelievable."

Just gives you the warm and fuzzies, huh?

When did you people become so entitled?

The Gamecock message boards are littered right now with people bitching about the current state of Gamecock football. They feel like we're not living up to expectations...we should be in a bowl game...we deserve better than this.

Really?

What exactly in the 100+ years of mediocre Gamecock football leads you to believe that we deserve better than this? We are who we thought we were. And what's wrong with that?

Part of the unique...um...charm of being a Gamecock is the shared sense of disappointment. We've all been through a lot of crap together. I mean a lot of crap. But it's those perpetual lows which have brought us all together and made the good times even more sweet.

Do we really want to become like Clemson? They're basically another mediocre team that had one really great decade to create some space between themselves and the .500 record around which we seem to be stuck. When you average out our lifetime records, Clemson has really only averaged about one win per season more than us. But that's it. Really, what's the difference between 100 years of 7-5 records and 100 years of 6-6 records?

But that one decade of hovering around the top of college football has given Clemson an inflated sense of self that still lingers...nearly 20 years later. They were mediocre before Danny. They've been mediocre after Danny. But each year they demand more—somehow rationalizing to themselves that the belong amongst the elite. Yet they never get there. They always fall short. Always. It makes you wonder which team is the one with the supposed curse.

If a misguided sense of entitlement—and therefore a constant state of disappointment—is the price you have to pay for winning, then I'm not sure I ever really want to reach the top of the mountain. Why can't we savor the occasional good years, of which we've had may in the last decade?

Sure, we're all disappointed with this season. But there's always next year! Embrace that next year. It's who we are and we should run with it.

Tis better to have lost and not been to a bowl than ever to have been to the Humanitarian Bowl at all.

No bowl for you!

For the third consecutive year, the Clemson/Carolina game came down to the last possession. But this year, Clemson's kicker avoided becoming the ultimate goat of all goats by making his last gasp field goal. It's hard to say any team really deserved to win, so it's also hard to say any team deserved to lose. It was one of those classic toss-up games that just came down to who had the ball last.

While I'm not happy we lost, I feel much...much...better than I did after 2000. Neither team got screwed this time. This was just an even game where both teams fought really hard and won or lost on their own merits. It would do a great service to this rivalry to have every game be as close and competitive as these last three have been.

Now...about that bowl situation. We do not deserve to go to a bowl game. As a matter of principle, I have always believed that six-win teams do not belong in bowl games. And just because it's my team that happens to have six wins this year, I'm not going to go back on that belief. With 12-game seasons, it's possible for a team to get a bowl game and finish with a losing record at 6-7. It's an appalling possibility and I want nothing to do with it.

I realize that college football is just a business now, but we have no business being in a bowl game. Just put this season behind us and get to recruiting. Next up...NC State in Williams-Brice on Thursday, August 28th as we kick off the 2008 college football season on ESPN.

Clemson's Greatest Hero: "Pitchfork" Ben Tillman

Benjamin Tillman, probably daydreaming about killing black people

Benjamin "Pitchfork" Tillman is probably Clemson University's most recognizable historic figure. He's celebrated to this day through the name of the school's most prominent architectural landmark. And his "curse" is gleefully recalled by Tiger fans every time South Carolina stumbles on the gridiron. He is a true Clemson hero. And why shouldn't he be? He was super totally awesome!

How awesome? THIS awesome:

• Tillman made his name by helping lead the charge at the Hamburg Massacre—ending in the death of several black Republicans. Yes...at one point in history, there actually were several black Republicans.

"The purpose of our visit was to strike terror, and the next morning when the negroes who had fled to the swamp returned to the town, the ghastly sight which met their gaze of seven dead negroes lying stark and stiff certainly had its effect. We have done our level best, we have scratched our heads to find out how we could eliminate the last one of them, and we would have done it if we could, we took the government away. We stuffed ballot boxes. We shot them. We are not ashamed of it."

• Probably not a fan of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?, Tillman was notoriously picky about his daughters' suitors.

"I have three daughters, but so help me God, I had rather find either one of them killed by a tiger or a bear and gather up her bones and bury them, conscious that she had died in the purity of her maidenhood, than to have her crawl to me and tell me the horrid story that she had been robbed of the jewel of her womanhood by a black fiend."

In honor of their cherished hero, the Clemson community doesn't let Ben's beacon of enlightenment get lost in the dusty winds of time. Heck no! They celebrate the crap out of him! They named their most iconic building after him...

Tillman Hall on the Clemson campus

And every spring, they keep his righteous ideals alive during the campus-wide "Lynchapalooza" celebration.

Some students participate in a role-playing scenario depicting an incident of which ol' Pitchfork would probably have disapproved.

Fun with Stats: Rivalry Week Edition!

Eleven games into the season, I think we can safely say that Thunder and Lightning aren't all that. Turns out there's another storm system in South Carolina that packs the same punch, but with only half the hype. And against better defenses.

What went wrong up in Clemson? We've all seen flashes of brilliance from Davis and Spiller in the past. They're capable of some pretty amazing things. But they haven't even come close to reaching McFadden/Jonesian levels of success.

It's been fascinating to watch as the Clemson coaching staff out-thinks itself (admittedly, not a hard task) on a weekly basis—coming up with creative ways to handcuff their own best weapons. You'd think that after the Music City Meltdown, they'd realize the error of their ways. But no. Week after week, they gameplan a way to NOT use their strengths.

Yanking Merriwether, messing with kickers' heads, neglecting special teams, questionable play calling with the game on the line—the coaches up there just can't get out of their own way. Instead of creating a scheme to harness their talents and dictating the course of a game, the staff wilts at the first sign of pressure—throwing the gameplan out the window. Meanwhile, Davis and Spiller just have to sit there and wait for the time when they can bolt for the NFL.

Fun with stats!

• Clemson punts blocked in Tommy Bowden's 7-year tenure, according to Tommy Bowden: 0
• Clemson punts blocked in Tommy Bowden's 7-year tenure, according to facts: 12

Close enough.

But what about Thunder and Lightning...

...or, as Mike Patrick christened them, Mild and Partly Cloudy? Either James Davis and CJ Spiller are the most overrated running back duo of all time or Tommy Bowden is the worst squanderer of talent of all time. I think it's probably the latter.

Coming into the season, I would have told you that Clemson's RB duo was probably better than Carolina's. But now I'm not so sure. The stats don't lie...Tommy Bowden does.

The Bowden Pick...Zapruder style

After an arduous search, we have finally uncovered a passable-quality video of The Bowden Pick. But this is not just a quick pick, ladies and gentlemen. This is a full-scale boring operation into the nether regions of Baby Bowden's nasal cavity. This is a journey into previously uncharted territory. This is the stuff of Jules Verne. Many boogers died to bring us this information.

If only he had spent more time gameplanning than mining for nose-nuggets, maybe his Tigers would still be undefeated. But alas, they were shot down by Georgia Tech in the annual Tommy Bowden Presents: A Clemson Tiger Depantsing™.


(HD quality photo courtesy the fine folks at The Hive)

Clemson/Georgia Tech...a disaster waiting to happen

On a roll and rising fast in the polls, Clemson is a team gaining heat on the national scene. Off to a 4-0 start against some unquestionably super-awesome competition, the Tigers look like they just might be the best team in the ACC. Which is kind of like saying Ricky Martin is the best member of Menudo.

Georgia Tech is heading into a tailspin...hard and fast. Looking good at 2-0, they've tanked the last two against an admittedly good BC team and...Virginia? Really? Virginia? Things are not looking good down at GT, and I'm not just talking about the coeds.

To most people, this would sound like a mismatch. But to people who know the history of this series...and especially the history of Tommy Bowden...it sounds like it's the perfect time for Clemson to shit their pants.

After more than eight years in Tigertown, Tommy's legacy is already etched in stone. Sure, he can win some big games, pull off a few upsets, but he will always, ALWAYS, drop a total turd at some point during the season. Wake, Duke, Wake again...it doesn't matter. Just when things start to look rosy, a land mine of crap will explode all over their faces, sending the locals into hysterics. The fans will question all they hold dear, until Tommy rises from the dead, again delivering an upset victory. Then another moment of incontinence, then another monumental victory...and so on.

Well friends, it's time for Tommy to drop another Howard's Rock-sized deuce into the laps of the Tiger faithful.

But you never know; it might not be this week. Tommy strung the delusional Tigers along all the way to an 8-0 record in 2000 before they fell...at home...leading to these wonderful pictures...to Georgia Tech. But even if they get past the Yellow Jackets this time, the flaming bag of poo is still out there. Whether it be GT, Maryland, Duke, or Wake...it's coming. Have your Depends ready, Clemson fans. Because you know you can feel it coming...and when it does...you're gonna need a new O-ring.

(Photos courtesy the fine folks at The Hive)